Tuesday, October 21, 2008

SPT: Finding and suppressing.

#21 Our family moved to California in 2005, six months later I found out that my birth mother's family was living only two miles away! I was able to meet my birth aunt.




The problem with a 100 list is it's long and you are often pulling random thoughts and memories out of your head just to fill it up. As one can imagine, this was no small event in my life; however, with time and a general suppressive attitude - it's become more of a small anecdote of conversation in my life. In a way, having #21 listed for today's SPT has been good, as I've needed to repress it and bring it out in the open.


Me in 2006 with the girls.


I've spoken a lot about adoption - how it felt to adopt, what it's like to be and adoptee, but what is it like to come face to face with the parents that "gave you up?" Quite frankly, I'm not sure, only because once I met my birth family, I quickly put it in the back of my mind. It's a big deal, but I made it into a small deal. Here's the story, the best I can tell it:


In 2001, my brother Richard came out to visit Craig and I while we were living in Alexandria, VA. A couple of the days he was in town, I was required to work. While at my desk, hopefully on a lunch break, I was surfing the Internet adoption registry sites. Something I had gotten in the habit of doing; I happened to be taken to a site called adoptionregistry.com. I typed in the information, as I had done many times before on other sites, and pushed return. To my great surprise, there was a match to my query; not only to my information, but my brother Richard's.


I quickly phoned the company and by that evening Richard and I had spoken too my birth aunt and my birth father. I loved hearing their voices and realizing that these people were connected to me. Later that year, we had the opportunity to fly to San Fransisco and meet them...this is where I begin to suppress feelings...there just wasn't the bond I had imagined. I figured there would be more joy, but there just wasn't. I felt out of place and a little upset that the father who had relinquished me spoke more about himself the whole time. Not even, so - what are you up too? This said, what a blessing it was to find some closure, as not all adoptees get to have this.


The only thing he could muster about my birth mother -that I can share- was the last he had heard of her was ten years ago somewhere in the Antelope Valley of Southern California. We all flew back to our homes, and life continued. In 2005, our family was transferred to the Antelope Valley for Craig's work. Within the first month, my husband, upon a pleading request from me, called the only families in the area with my birth mother's last name - but no one had heard of her...fast forward, a year.


My mother-in-law, Sassy, has a dream about genealogy, impressed more to help me find my birth family, she calls the same names Craig had called a year ago. Only this time, the people on the other end, admitted the relation, that they had talked about it, and felt that if ever someone called again - they would open communication with them. My birth mother had not been stable or sober for years and at the time of Sassy' calls, they had no idea where she had disappeared too, this time. I met my birth aunt later that week and was privy to receive several photos of my birth mother - for the first time.


I can't say much else about the experience because I'm not sure how I've absorbed all of it. I will say that I am grateful for my life and thankful for my parents. I will say that life goes on without my birth family in my life and I am neither better or worse for meeting them. I will say that I have lots of genealogy to work on in the future and a connection to my ancestors I didn't have before finding this information.


The day we were to leave for Montreal, I got a long awaited call from my birth aunt, telling me that my birth mother had surfaced. She was out of rehab and ready to meet me and that my phone number was in her possession. I never got her call - but maybe I just wasn't ready to answer it yet.
What do you think?


25 comments:

Jan said...

I am crying. Seriously I can't imagine all the emotions attached to this scenerio. I honestly don't. I just know that it is a blessing that you were raised by goodly parents and that you are a happy and loved person. A daughter of God that never changes. I think you can only wait to see what happens. It is her turn now. I think you will always be okay, but don't take it personally. She is obviously in self destruction mode right now trying to somewhat recover. It will work out the way it is meant. Hugs to you Michelle.

Did you send a little not to me? The post office cover your address except for a couple of parts. I couldn't exactly tell who it was from your where. But I saw Canada and thought of you. Let me know okay. I would love your address as well.

Aranne and Dan said...

from SPT - that is quite a story. We are in the process of adopting right now. We love adoption and know that it is what we are meant to be. We hope the best for you! Thanks for sharing your story with us!

lelly said...

i think it is wonderful that you are obviously at peace, not at all repressed! i wonder if i would be ready to answer that call.

donna said...

OH michelle what a story. Have you ever thought about writing a book about adoptions?

Sarah said...

What a lot of emotions that I am sure are often conflicting at times. We truly never know how we are going to feel or react until we are confronted with what is going on.

Jenny said...

Not quite sure how to respond. My sister gave up her baby. Can't help but feel that if he were to come looking for our family, I would love to meet him.

Your story is different from many I have heard. Maybe it was not time to meet your birth mother.

Lucy said...

You are such a powerful advocate of adoption. And you share your amazing story beautifully.

Dacia said...

Wow, I can't even imagine how I would feel in your situation. You sound like you're really grounded and can obviously handle a lot. Good luck with the rest of your story and I hope you feel ready when the time comes.

Mandi said...

Michelle, when you are ready, and she is ready then the time will be right and the calls will happen. Dont force it, everything happens when it happens for a reason. xxx

Wendi said...

Wow--you have an amazing story! And you are such a compelling writer. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

The monkey bunch said...

It sounds to me that you are very well grounded. It's amazing that you can talk about it this much. It's got to be very hard, but there are some amazing opportunities, too when you are ready. Good luck

Monica M said...

I can't even imagine dealing with that, you're amazing. I say go with how you feel and don't question it.

Mikki said...

I can't even imagine how I would handle this. It seems like, I would probably have had all these fantasies about my birth family, and finding out the truth could be quite devastating. I think you've handled it very well. It sounds as though, perhaps you're not ready yet to meet her. You seem to be at peace though with where you're at right now, and that is the best thing.

Jeanette said...

What a beautiful post. My sister is adopted and I often wonder how she feels about her birth family. She doesn't talk about it much. I wonder if she has looked for them. Great food for thought. Thanks.

dani said...

michelle, it sounds as if God was watching over you from the word, "go"!!! i was just sitting here thinking about the way i would feel if i were to find out that i was adopted... it's really very hard to do.
my prayer for you is that your mom remains in "recovered" mode, that she's a lovely person in spite of the life she's lived, and that you can establish a healthy relationship with her one day.
if that is not to be, i hope you will be ok, regardless!!! no, actually, i hope you will be great!!!
you know, this is a perfect place to vent the suppressed given we all love and support you. vent away; someday it may also help your girls:)
much love and prayers,
dani

Chrissy, said...

We had a 5th Sunday disscusion in sunday school on adoption. We watched a movie made by the Church on adoption. It had a theme of the parents giving up the children for adoption. The theme was "I'm give them up. I'm giving them more." It sounds like you were given more. You are an amazing person. I'm grateful to share in this emotional story. I know things do happen for a reason. And that Heavenly Father loves you and all of us with that perfect love that heals all wounds.

carlo said...

wow, michelle. that is a powerful story. i just want to hug you right now...

Marie said...

That is a powerful story. I can't say how I'd react since I haven't had the same situation in my life, but I think you handled it beautifully. Now that you are an adoptive mother do you wonder about your girls going to find their birth mother?

SuzanSayz said...

This was really great to read Michelle. I actually understand how you feel too. It has been more than 33 years since I gave my baby up and even though I love her in my heart, I have moved on so completely that I really don't feel the need to find her. If she was to find me I would love to see her but I'm pretty sure it would feel more like meeting someone I had heard about all my life and now I was meeting her for the first time. I doubt that there would be much of an emotional bond between us at first. I feel this way because I have always felt that she was given to her "real" family. I hope that I wouldn't be a dissapointment to her if we were to meet. That is something that I do worry about when I think of meeting her.

Natalie said...

I appreciate your candor and admire the courage you've shown to bear your wounds. I do believe that identifiying your emotions and talking about trying experiences is strengthening in the end. If it was only easier to do...
I suspect that a phone call from your birth Mother could give you some validation you might be hoping for (I think we all want to be loved by our parents, whether or not we have a relationship with them) but you are already a woman of outstanding character and will not likely be further defined by her. Though, she would be privileged to know you!

Carrie and Troy Keiser said...

Having a child that we adopted it is interesting to read your thoughts. We usually have a pretty good idea of where his birth mother is as she is a member of the family {Troy's sister}. It makes things more complicated and hard for him to understand. She has 2 other children and it was very tough on him that they were with her and he wasn't. But now she has lost them to their father and has very minimal contact. We all make our choices. One day we will be able to better explain things to him. We have NO idea who or where his birth father is as she never knew his real name.I think that what matters most is that you have a loving family.

Laura said...

I think others who wrote that you should write a book are right. What a story to tell.

How fortunate you are to have been raised in the family that you were.

Kim Sue said...

wow, the prayers of thanksgiving you must have for your adoptive family.

crystal said...

I don't think you have repressed anything...it seems you feel the appropriate emotions. Your birth father is, when all is said & done, just a guy off the street. The parents who raised you are Your Parents. I think it's totally appropriate to feel emotions that run only so deep. Frankly, I'm not sure I'd WANT to answer that call. It would be inviting an unstable influence into your life.

I know of what I speak.

Loves to you.

jenny said...

well i do know what it feels like to olny have one parent inyour life some what and well i also know how it feels when your a parent that well did not give your kids a way but yet that had been takeing a way and well i can tell you at times its not all that ok but well as a parent who well did not give her kids a way could or can feel i also can tell you what it does feel like to meet a parent that well left and walk a way from you when you where olny so young and well at times its well not all that grate as well but the one thing as long as you keep postive feelings abt things and a open mind it well does help olny if you let it. and well i hope you do well keep incontack with your real family as well that way you can get to know them and thay can get to know you i see that as a good thing and not a bad one