Adoption: Bound by love.

Bound by love.

I know that adoption will not heal all a child's wounds of being abandoned, it certainly didn't heal all of mine.  Speaking from experience, it didn't heal my sorrow of not being able to conceive either.  Adoption brought me face-to-face with a women, my adoptive mom, who wanted to love a child.  In my case, she put her arms around me and my older brother.  Bound by love is my depiction of adoption and how wanting to love and wanting to be loved allowed us to bond together.  It is how I also see my relationship with my own daughters.  I can't take away their sorrow and their desire to see their birth mother and to know her.  I can stand together with them, and with love, help them through their years of confusion and pain.  I came across this quote that seemed to say it perfectly:

It has been said that adoption is more like a marriage than a birth: two (or more) individuals, each with their own unique mix of needs, patterns, and genetic history, coming together with love, hope, and commitment for a joint future. You become a family not because you share the same genes, but because you share love for each other.  Joan McNamara, Adoptive parent

Adopting Twins: Our Russian Adoption Story - Part 2

{Home at last.}

 Explaining how I felt on that first trip to meet Cici and Nini is difficult. Excitement, of course, but mostly I was feeling a long agonizing journey coming to an end.  I mentioned some of my feelings on my first post here about arriving in Moscow and flying to the girl's hometown. I must add, that driving in Moscow was a very scary adventure. Lanes? What lanes? What you would think to be a four lane road, had eight lanes - plus an extra lane on the side - just in case you weren't getting to your destination fast enough. I am thankful, that we didn't have to drive. A driver was provided - again-very grateful for this.  We arrived at the orphanage early in the morning. I was impressed that there was a play ground and that the condition of the outside building was well kept up. I'm not sure what I was expecting - outward signs of poverty-like conditions? It was a surprise to see it so well maintained. After meeting with a nurse, our translator, and the director - the door opened...



First Look:  Cici



First Look Nini



 Two bundled from head to toe curmudgeon's came through the door with two orphanage workers. I knew them in an instant and knew that I was supposed to be their mom. It was a defining moment for this first time mom. Their bodies were tiny - not even 10lbs (at 7 months). I held Cici first, since she was the first baby to come through the door. I remember holding her up in the air and watching her face. There was so much life behind that timid stiff little frame. Nini and daddy cuddled first. My first impressions of Nini was she was needing to escape. She had so much energy inside of her, that was being stifled - she needed me.

For two days, Mr. C and I were led to the orphanage where we spent time with them. They were always brought to us bundled from head to toe and we always took them out of their clothes. After an hour maybe a few minutes more, the workers would come back, bundle them again and keep them to their strict routine. When we left the orphanage not to come back until our paperwork was ready, I wasn't as sad as I thought I'd be. I knew that they were safe. I was determined and I knew that I would be back in no time. My ache came later when we were home and we knew that they were thousands of miles away.

 

I coped by collecting donations for the orphanage, packing our bags, talking with friends, praying, and having faith that we would soon be on our way.  We traveled back to Russia less then a month later and on my birthday we left the orphanage as a family.  There was a lot of rushing around to get passports, paperwork, health records and reports ready for our trip back to the states.  Five days later we were coming down the escalator at the Salt Lake Airport each carrying a daughter and seeing our extended family for the first time.

 Monday, I  dedicate to either twins or adoption.  Next week, I will focus on the physical strain of twins on momma.  If you are a mother of twins or have your own amazing adoption story and would like to share your story here on this blog, please write to me at shecalledme@gmail.com. 

Have you been to Russia?
What were your impressions?



Adopting Twins, a Russian adoption story - part 1.

All babies were swaddled and covered head to toe - my girl's were seeing their
toes for the first time.

Adopting twins was overwhelming in two ways:  The first was that it was overwhelming.  The second, was that it was overwhelming.  Sounds a bit overwhelming, doesn't it!  Seriously,  adopting twins came with two beautiful blessings and one mom who didn't have a clue what she was doing.  I have four beautiful children now - two by sea and two by land.  A funny way of saying that we adopted twins internationally and I gave birth to twins seven years later.  Here's part 1 of adopting twins:  

The story started in 2002 with a realization that after nine years of marriage we still hadn't realized our dream of becoming parents.  We prayed continuously for an answer and finally found it in adoption.  I am an adoptee and always wanted to adopt, but I hadn't expected that I would be adopting before trying all the various fertility methods of conceiving first.  At the time, it just didn't seem right to spend a fortune on something that may or may not lead to a child.  In retrospect, these feelings towards fertility procedures were the main reason that led us to adoption first.  It was at this time that a program opened up through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for which we are members.  We knew they had a domestic adoption program, but an international one?  We were intrigued. 

I was certain that open domestic adoption would make me uncomfortable.  Like I said, I am adoptee and the thought of having close contact with the birth family was frightening to me.  These are not my feelings now, but back then, I was greatly fearful of this open adoption process and this is what led us to international adoption.   I was adopted with a sibling and I was certain that when we adopted, we too, would try for a sibling group. Interviews and paperwork flew out our door for the next six months! 

We originally chose to adopt from Kazakhstan.  A country with impeccable history of upstanding state-run orphanages.  We were shocked at the stories coming out of Russia and determined that Kazakhstan was the perfect situation.  We were almost 8 months into the process and just weeks away from finally finishing the long process; all our paperwork documented, notarized, and apostilled.   It was at this time that a new rule came down through the agency's that regulated no more than one child per couple could be adopted from Kazakhstan- unless they were siblings.  Unfortunately, there was no guarantee that there would be a sibling group.  We had three choices:  Switch to Russia where sibling groups were more prevalent (we also considered adopting two, non-siblings) or start over with another country.  With prayers in our frustrated minds and hearts, the answer came undeniably that we should adopt from Russia. Transferring our dossier to Russia meant that the paperwork would be minimal as Kazakhstan and Russia shared the American Embassy located in Moscow.  



It didn't take long for Mr. C to take on the name Daddy!
First Visit 2003



Miraculously just a few days after our dossier and paperwork were completed, the referral for our two lovelies arrived at the adoption offices.   The trip to the offices was momentous and exciting.  We arrived and minutes after we were handed their photos and information.  I equate that moment in the adoption offices to when each one of my boys were put in front of me after their birth - it was that wonderful.  this   To think that they had already been born and living a life outside our own was killing me.  We were close though and we could feel it.



Our paperwork and Visa's seemed to sail through all the channels needed.  In April 2003, 11 months after walking into the adoption offices, we were cleared to take our first trip to Russia and meet the girls.   We flew first into Moscow where we meant our translator.  We slept for a couple of hours and then caught a flight to Kemerovo where we would meet them for the first time.  Not knowing the ins and outs of Siberian flights, we were stuck in the back of the plane with what seemed like your neighbor in front of you right in your lap.  It was a fear felt flight and one I choose not to remember!  But, I would do it again for my girls -any day! I was just glad when we touched the ground.



the people's radio





As soon as we landed, we went to the hotel and slept until it was time to visit the orphanage.  We purchased snicker bars and coke for lunch with whatever bit of Russian we could handle.  We were very grateful for the snicker bars - let me tell yoU!  Our hotel was equipped with little more than two cots and this radio on the wall - or what we think was a radio.  Mr. C tagged this the people's radio.  Something fitting he liked to say!  Every floor of the hotel had a woman station down each hallway.  She would take your key when you left and do whatever housekeeping duties needed.  Just a few different things about our visits!



My next Twin Monday post will reflect on our first meetings with the girls and what it was like to go from zero to two overnight.  Nothing would've prepared me for that single moment when we finally met our little girls.  To have two babies to hold, when I had none just moments before - amazing. 

How do you feel about adoption?

Have you been to Russia?
Would you consider international adoption now?

This is what I want.

Sturbridge Village August 2010 (nini and cici)

Time is tick-tock-ticking away and before I knew it -my little babies are now in third grade, and my boys are now 9 months old! Life right now is wonderful. It's busy and full of of diapers, slobber, messy rooms, late nights, tired mornings, heavy lifting, and lots of cooking. My dad asked me on his most recent visit, "this is what you wanted?" Now the background behind this comment: It was the end of a long day, it was 7:00 and neither he nor anyone eaten yet, The Hawk had just thrown-up after choking on a rice puff, the boys had to be changed, diapers and clothes, for bed; neither were happy about being changed and I looked like I had just been slobbered, spit-up on, and run a marathon ( only I didn't)!

Boston Commons August 2010 (time to go!)

Now, back to the comment. the "this" has to be emphasized and you now get how it was asked. My answer was instant and with an enthusiastic YEs! Now the background behind my answer: I've thought a long time about the way my children have graced our lives. I thought about the first year we were married and remembered that there wasn't anything I wanted to do, but be a mother. Night after night, I prayed and cried until we made the decision to wait. Then when the waiting was over, we realized that the real waiting began. Still, my dream was to be a mother. Infertility sucks! There is no other better way to describe it. The days are long and the sorrow is constant. I am blessed to have had my children grace my life through adoption and by having the burden of infertility lifted and the miracle of birth bless my life. I can't think of any better dream than this and with an absolute Yes - this is what I want.

Has infertility affected your life?
Is or was motherhood your dream?

Telling their birth story.

I love that adoption is a part of our family. It was about this time 33 years ago that I was adopted; and like my daughters, I was adopted with my sibling. I was blessed that my parents were always open with me and answered every question I ever had. There are times when I know my girls struggle to understand their birth story. When these moments occur, I hope that I answer them in a way that they can absorb and put some place in their mind for later. After all, it's been a long time since I was a little girl struggling with my identity!

Our Adoption Video 2003.

This video was lovingly put together by a very good friend of ours (thanks Justin) for my baby shower right before we left to bring home Cici and Nini from Russia. I've had a lot of trouble loading this after I shortened it from ten minutes to less than four minutes. The beginning clips were from the original video we received for our adoption referral and then it moves on to meeting the girls for the first time and spending time with them before we had to leave to finalize. It's easy to see how we fell in love with them. My family and some close friends have seen this -I am grateful to finally share this with you, my blogging friends.

Love,
Michelle

SPT: Finding and suppressing.

#21 Our family moved to California in 2005, six months later I found out that my birth mother's family was living only two miles away! I was able to meet my birth aunt.

The problem with a 100 list is it's long and you are often pulling random thoughts and memories out of your head just to fill it up. As one can imagine, this was no small event in my life; however, with time and a general suppressive attitude - it's become more of a small anecdote of conversation in my life. In a way, having #21 listed for today's SPT has been good, as I've needed to repress it and bring it out in the open.

Me in 2006 with the girls.

I've spoken a lot about adoption - how it felt to adopt, what it's like to be and adoptee, but what is it like to come face to face with the parents that "gave you up?" Quite frankly, I'm not sure, only because once I met my birth family, I quickly put it in the back of my mind. It's a big deal, but I made it into a small deal. Here's the story, the best I can tell it:

In 2001, my brother Richard came out to visit Craig and I while we were living in Alexandria, VA. A couple of the days he was in town, I was required to work. While at my desk, hopefully on a lunch break, I was surfing the Internet adoption registry sites. Something I had gotten in the habit of doing; I happened to be taken to a site called adoptionregistry.com. I typed in the information, as I had done many times before on other sites, and pushed return. To my great surprise, there was a match to my query; not only to my information, but my brother Richard's.

I quickly phoned the company and by that evening Richard and I had spoken too my birth aunt and my birth father. I loved hearing their voices and realizing that these people were connected to me. Later that year, we had the opportunity to fly to San Fransisco and meet them...this is where I begin to suppress feelings...there just wasn't the bond I had imagined. I figured there would be more joy, but there just wasn't. I felt out of place and a little upset that the father who had relinquished me spoke more about himself the whole time. Not even, so - what are you up too? This said, what a blessing it was to find some closure, as not all adoptees get to have this.

The only thing he could muster about my birth mother -that I can share- was the last he had heard of her was ten years ago somewhere in the Antelope Valley of Southern California. We all flew back to our homes, and life continued. In 2005, our family was transferred to the Antelope Valley for Craig's work. Within the first month, my husband, upon a pleading request from me, called the only families in the area with my birth mother's last name - but no one had heard of her...fast forward, a year.

My mother-in-law, Sassy, has a dream about genealogy, impressed more to help me find my birth family, she calls the same names Craig had called a year ago. Only this time, the people on the other end, admitted the relation, that they had talked about it, and felt that if ever someone called again - they would open communication with them. My birth mother had not been stable or sober for years and at the time of Sassy' calls, they had no idea where she had disappeared too, this time. I met my birth aunt later that week and was privy to receive several photos of my birth mother - for the first time.

I can't say much else about the experience because I'm not sure how I've absorbed all of it. I will say that I am grateful for my life and thankful for my parents. I will say that life goes on without my birth family in my life and I am neither better or worse for meeting them. I will say that I have lots of genealogy to work on in the future and a connection to my ancestors I didn't have before finding this information.

The day we were to leave for Montreal, I got a long awaited call from my birth aunt, telling me that my birth mother had surfaced. She was out of rehab and ready to meet me and that my phone number was in her possession. I never got her call - but maybe I just wasn't ready to answer it yet.

What do you think?

Anyone for Oozeball?

We were driving in the Adirondacks we spotted this interesting sport. I thought at first that this was something that this town had put together for a fun weekend competition; but this is an actual sport called Oozeball. It's played around the states and mainly among college campuses. While this town put it together in 18" of muddy water, many campuses play in knee deep mud - it looked to me like the dirtier the better!

Family report...

I am tired! I'm not trying to complain but just saying that I am tired! One of my daughter's is going through some emotional struggles. She has been dealing with attachment issues and it's not always clear how I can help her and if she'll let me. I have been praying like there's no tomorrow and hoping that I can handle this correctly. It's tiring, but I will do what it takes to help her through her struggles. I know that if I keep a clear head and an open communication with Heavenly Father, he'll help me through each day!

Ever heard of Oozeball? Played it?

What is an adoptee?

8 things you may not know about an adoptee from someone who is an adoptee:

1. An adoptee is someone who was adopted.

2. Adoptee's, in most cases, are the only ones in the adoption triangle-birth parents, child, adoptive parents - who did not have a choice.

3. An adoptee has lost and must grieve the loss of their birth parents, especially their birth mother, at some point in their life no matter the circumstances and "great life" they now have.

4. Being adopted does not mean the adopted person wants to be reminded of this by being known as the "adopted" child. It does mean that the adoptee wants the option to talk about their adoption and should be given it in their own terms. My sister is noticeably different than me and whenever we are together and the subject of relations and looks comes up - which is often - my sister has always replied one of us is adopted - And the subject is always dropped!

5. The right to know about their adoption should always be given freely and without fear of the child pushing away. People ask me, often, when they should tell their children about their adoption; I believe it shouldn't have to be "told" in one sit down family meeting - but given to them bit by bit as they grow older. Start with photos, tell them about your desire to have children, and how you became a family. Then, they'll never have to guess.

6. An adoptee may feel insecure at times about their place among a family that may not seem like them in look or personality. It isn't their fault and the parents should do everything they can to make sure that all their children feel "loved" the same. Someone asked a friend of mine who adopted and has had children by birth, if she could "love" her adopted child as much as the two she gave birth too- her answer was a resounding Yes! I remember having these insecure feelings - but I also remember, my parents doing all they could to make sure that I didn't feel this way for long.

7. There is a second reality that an adoptee experiences and that is the curiosity of what if I wasn't adopted, what would I be like, would I have a better life, what if my mom would have kept me... It's a natural curiosity and one I had until I met my birth father and birth mother's family a couple of years ago; when my second reality came crashing down - a story for another post. You can never know as a parent of an adopted child what that second reality is like, unless you create an openness with your child that you are not afraid to hear what they think or feel about these questions. Accepting the adoptee's feelings, doesn't mean that they will love you less.

8. An adopted child can have a deep and loving appreciation for their adoptive parents. There are distinguishing meanings between the word mommy and the word mother. I understand my birth mother's reasons for relinquishing her rights as a mom and she will always have that special place in my heart as a champion for my life happiness. My mom, my adoptive mom, is the only person I have or will ever call mommy.

Adoption is a part of my life. It is never in the back of my mind - it is always in the front; whether it be my own adoption, my children's adoption, or answering other people questions about adoption. Are you adopted? Are you a birth mother? Adopted Parent? Do you know someone who is adopted? Either way, what are your feelings on this post - would you add anything or change anything?

If you are looking for information and understanding about adoptee's, the book Journey to the adopted self is an exceptional read. I read this book when I was about 26 and it changed the way I felt about my adoption.

Your thoughts?

Time to look in a new direction.

Since we arrived in Montreal, my husband and I have been struggling with understanding how we could grow our family. We started adoption processes over several times, but because of border issues and immigrating issues, we were always met with dead ends. When we finally found an agency and home study agency to help us we were worn out. We began looking at our finances and wondering how we could afford international adoption again, since domestic was out of the question. Just when we said we were finished, I felt a new found desire to pursue infertility treatments. I was overwhelmed with information while searching for a specialist and chose one in Burlington, Vermont.

I am now mid-process on my first IUI, and have been feeling the discomforts of some of the infertility drugs. I know that Heavenly Father didn't want me to give-up trying to be a mother of more children. I am hopeful, yet realistic in our efforts and am grateful for my friend Shauna who helped me to find faith and hope in fertility treatments.

I had to give myself a shot on my 13th day of my cycle and failed miserable. I took a short class on how to do it, but when it came time to sticking myself, I was such a wimp. I had to give it to myself at a specific time; we had just arrived at the cabins with my parents. I was sitting in our van and Craig had gone into register us. I got everything ready, pinched my skin, and then looked over at my mom in the car over and mouthed, "I can't do this!". Craig ended up doing it for me. Once the needle was in, I realized that it wasn't that bad. Still, not fun.

I wanted to share this earlier, but am so used to keeping things to myself. I'm trying to be more open with people, my family, and friends. I know that this will be a good process for us and I'll keep you updated on our progress.

Decisions and Weekend Update.

Friday:

With a foot and a half of snowfall that fell during a 24 hour period here, we couldn't get our car out of the garage. If you look at the picture above, it's taken from our front door. Somewhere underneath all the snow is our walkway! We went outside later in the afternoon, but wasn't able to take pictures because of the snow hitting the lens. .


By the end of the day - I was ready for a sanity check. Craig had been traveling all week and I was ready for him to be home. How do you stay sane with the husband away? Unfortunately with the snowstorm his flight was delayed and the girls weren't able to see him until the morning. They were really upset, I felt really bad, but I'd rather have them happy in the morning than staying up late. They'd been up since 7:00 a.m. with no nap. I knew it was the right decision after I put them in bed, they fell asleep in under five minutes.

Saturday:
We had a great day Saturday. We were all grateful that we were together as a family again. It was such a relief to have someone to rely on besides myself! That evening we had the annual Relief Society dinner. Since we've moved to Montreal, they've only been left at home with Craig a couple of times! They were really upset that I was "leaving them". I had a great time at the dinner. It was good to get out of the house, know that the girls were safe, that they'd be in bed when I returned home, and to visit with friends and sisters in my ward.

Sunday:
This Sunday we ended our fast, with a wonderful decision...We have been pondering and praying about adopting again for about six months. I've been on the phone and internet constantly doing the work needed to find the right agency that can handle an "american abroad" adoption. There are so many additional problems because we live in Quebec, where adoption is run by the government. All adoptions, including international, need to go through the Secretary over the prospective child's country. However, since we are not permanent residence, we can't use an agency here in Quebec we need to use a US agency. .


Anyway - a very long drawn out story cut short - we've decided on a country, an agency, and have been able to work out most of the logistics. We are very excited about the country we chose, and will put more information up about the country and process when we are little further along. .


I know that that there are so many women suffering from the sadness and loss of infertility. My heart ached daily because I couldn't have children. It's been a very long road over many many years, but I have finally realized that my heartache was not because I couldn't have children, but that I was childless. I couldn't have children, but I could be a mother. I am very excited about our decision. Are you going through the adoption process? Do we have adoption in common?